A Birthday Never to Be

I've thought about writing this post for a few weeks now. I've thought and thought, but never really could reconcile in my heart why I would do it. I suppose today, I just feel like maybe someone needs to hear...

If things would have gone according to plan, if things would have worked out the way Aimee wanted them; I would be holding 2 babies right now, or at least would be very near holding them. The last week of April 2010, I miscarried twins. I was about 11 weeks along, so it was too early to know if they were boys or girls. They were identical, because one thing they were able to determine was that they were "mono" twins; meaning they shared a gestational sac. Unfortunately for them and for many babies in their situation, that doesn't give them the best odds of survival.

When I found that I was pregnant early in March, they gave me a due date of November 13th. I was so looking forward to a November baby! Just in time for my favorite season of Thanksgiving and Christmas - the perfect time to take a maternity leave. The situation was perfect, and other then the worst nausea EVER, I was doing well and happy.

Then my 11 week appointment came along. At the doctors office they couldn't determine what was going on, just that things on the ultrasound didn't look quite right, but "everything is probably fine." So, they sent me to the hospital for a better ultrasound with someone that was better trained. The ultrasound tech knew pretty immediately what was going on. She said "well, there are two babies...(5 second pause)...but neither of their hearts are beating."

It was quite a surreal experience to find out about the existence of someone in one breath, and know you had lost them in another. The night I found out about our loss, as I was getting ready for bed; I noticed the picture on my dresser. It is a picture of my G-Mom and G-Pop, my great grandparents. I never knew my G-Mom, but I had the privilege to know G-Pop until just a few short years ago when he went to join G-Mom in heaven. As I looked at their wedding picture that night, my mind saw a picture of heaven; G-Mom and G-Pop in rocking chairs, each holding one of our precious twins. In that moment, I knew they were fine, I knew God knew best and I knew we would be okay.

Fast forward a few months, and here I am; nearly 18 weeks pregnant. It's only one baby this time; we'll find out in a couple of weeks whether we'll need pink or blue. In all of the happiness over this new addition coming; I couldn't help but be preoccupied this week as I knew that our babies, under different circumstances would be arriving any time now. I am the last person to be able to tell you why some things happen. When I got in my van to leave the hospital that day, the only thing that came out of my mouth was "Jesus, I trust you." I am not a hero of the faith; not even close actually...there was just enough grace on that day for me to know that asking why would be infinitely more difficult than just simply trusting. That trust has helped heal my heart, and gives me hope for the future that one day we'll all be together again.